As mentioned in the last blog the final process of eradicating the phobia from my mind proved to be a difficult hurdle to overcome.
Most other phobias can be cured using exposure treatment. In other words gradual exposure of oneself to the source of the irrational fear over a period of time. With my particular phobia exposure treatment could not work. I could not see a way where I could gradually expose myself to the fear situation. I could not, for example, just show up for soup and then get up and leave. Also, I found that if the event was staged or orchestrated the anxiety would not occur and this was partly due to the fact that really apart from a very few of my closest friends and relatives no one understood what was going on. And I could not expect any one who hasn’t experienced an irrational fear to understand. To have a fear of eating a meal was ludicrous. Even people with a fear of flying had no comprehension as to my predicament as a fear of flying is quite a rational and understandable fear because although at very low odds planes can crash. So by going through the process of arranging a mock meal and the explanations required the fear situation which I was trying to expose myself too was lost.
This then left me with a conundrum. How could I get the exposure? Or if I couldn’t what other way was there to shake off the fear?
In trying to solve this issue I sought professional help for the first time since I embarked on the quest. I sought the services of a hypnotherapist and a psychiatrist. They both introduced me to the idea of visualisation. To sit comfortably and close my eyes and to visualise entering the fear situation; ie. walking up to the front door and then retreating; walking up to the front door and entering the home and then retreating; walking up to the front door, entering and sitting at the table and then retreating etc. all the while remaining calm and thinking about good feelings and not letting fear introduce itself in my mind. Whenever I began to feel fear I should retreat and try again; that was the theory.
I tried this approach but when the reality came the anxiety returned with gusto. I couldn’t depend on this method as a solution. I had to think of something else. Something more direct and something more attacking.
I thought about what was really happening. The anxiety was caused by my mind telling my body that I was in a fearful situation and that it was going to prepare my body to deal with the fear by releasing chemicals, adrenalin etc. My mind did not differentiate what was a rational fear and what was not. It had just made the connection years earlier that a meal at someone’s home was a fearful situation so it was only doing its job in preparing my body for the fear. So I came from another angle, I thought well how bad can it get? Really, how bad can it get? It is just a prescribed process my mind and body was going through for the situation that presented itself. My mind and body would go through the same routine if I came across a lion in the wild (a proper fear situation). So I figured instead of fighting the anxiety each time why not relax and let go when the anxiety strikes and let it wash over me. I also thought why not actually encourage it to come and mock its severity.
This attack I realised was my only hope, so I was prepared to give it a try.
When another dinner invitation came along I accepted, eager to test my hypothesis. I went along with no alcohol and decided to refuse any if offered. I wanted a clear mind to carry out my test. I was apprehensive, of course, but was determined to give it a try.
And then I lived through the most extraordinary moments I’ve ever encountered and that still amaze me to this day. Once seated at the table I calmly talked and socialised with the people around the dinner table (a few who were strangers, the greatest catalyst for an anxiety attack, I might add) while a battle raged in my head. Of course the anxiety came but I mocked at its strength and urged it to do more. Instead of resisting and fighting I relaxed and let it wash over me. It came again but this time weaker. I urged it to come again and do its worst. It tried but this time it was weaker again. I laughed internally at its hopelessness and urged its onset again but gradually it faded and disappeared and I was fee to enjoy the remainder of the meal, for the first time since my initial attack at my relative’s house almost twenty years prior, in peace.
What was startling to me was that while I appeared calm and coherent to everyone seated at the table on the outside my damaged mind healed itself as the humanoids in the Terminator movies healed themselves when they were damaged. I was finally armed with a tool which I could do battle with the phobia whenever it struck. I was braced for a counter attack.
The counterattacks came but with much less intensity until finally I reached a point when I stopped even thinking about it. The link in my mind between a fear situation and the event of dining in private homes was finally broken and I was, thankfully, free.
Before time dulled my memory of my personal encounter with a phobia I decided to write down my thoughts and experiences so I could recall them at a later date if I so wished. Over the course of the next three of four blogs I will present this article to you. It was jottings of my thoughts at the time. I considered rewriting and updating it but I decided against it. The raw emotion at the time of writing is probably best left intact.
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