phobiairaqlove

phobiairaqlove

Tuesday 8 March 2011

Chapter 4: Realisation

I had just entered my fourth decade when my mother suddenly died. I had been very close to my mother so her death hit me hard and I experienced a long grieving period. I was introduced to the notion that you never get over; you just learn to live with the passing of someone so close.

However, it was through this involuntary grieving period that I somehow and in someway took stock of myself, and something made me realise that I had a mental issue that had to be dealt with if I was to have the life I wanted to live. This came as quite a shock as up until then I had not even considered the notion of anything being wrong mentally, which of course may seem strange coming from someone who was subject to anxiety. I had considered that as I was intellectually adequate then that was that as far as my mind was concerned. I still hung on to the notion that the anxiety, although it played a huge part in my life, was one day going to go away. It was not just denial or conceit; it was that it never crossed my mind that mental illness applied to me. That realisation that it did was something that took quite a while to adjust to, although in hindsight I believe that from that moment on I was beginning to heal.

I decided that there was nothing for it but to put my life on hold until I had resolved the issue. I didn’t see that I had any other option. I had a steady job, somewhere to live and a handful of close friends so I pretty much shut down and began to think, and to think hard for a long, long time.     

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