My opportunity came last year when I was invited to a Greek Easter celebration. I accepted the invitation eagerly although massive apprehensions remained. I approached the event without alcohol and applied all my principles with vigour. When panic struck I exhaled slightly and let my body go limp and loose and relaxed back into the chair diffusing the feeling’s strength. When panic struck again it was with less intensity but I relaxed even more. I actually urged panic to strike so that I could practise relaxing but by then the panic had faded completely and I enjoyed one of the best afternoons of my life. I had found a weapon to beat the enemy. The link between my mind and the fear of my childhood had been broken and memories of successful triumphs had begun to accumulate. The road to a full recovery had begun.
Now after many successful and entertaining dinner invitations, changes back to a normal life have begun. Self esteem has risen, bringing renewed confidence. Having risen from an ocean of fog I can view my life more clearly hence decision making has become easier, and suggestibility is fading. I’m less preoccupied with myself and have become more interested in the world around me. Frustration has been replaced with relaxation, and apathy and depression are retreating with each day.
I can now pick up the pieces and focus on the things that were pushed aside during the years of understanding - spiritual, career and family development being high on the list.
Thankfully, I have passed through the stage of feeling bitter and angry that twenty years of my life have in a sense been taken from me and now have a deep respect for the complexities and power of one’s mind. I have no wish to fully understand the workings of the human brain - I’m happy to leave that to the professionals - but in the time I have spent solving my own problem I have developed a much better understanding as to the conquests and failures of my fellow man. If your mind can work so powerfully against you then what wondrous achievements can be accomplished if it works with you.
Finally from the whole experience I am left convinced of two things. Firstly, the belief that the same mind that is destroying you can heal you, and of course you should never, ever give up.
And what of finding fun in phobias - well, alas - the fun only begins when the phobia ends.